The Coffee Curmudgeon

an exercise in music

2010-10-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

step 1: get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
step 2: pick your favorite lines from the first 10 songs that play
step 3: post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from
step 4: cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

1. The things we did the things you hide / For the record it's between you and I
2. And the power's out in the heart of man / Take it from your heart, put in your hand
3. But first I need your hand / So forever can begin
4. But don't answer life / In a bullet proof vest / With the windows all closed
5. Nothing's the same when you give it away / no its not what it seems / it's just what you think it is
6. Take what you need while there's time / The city will be earth in a short while / If I'm not mistaken, it's been in flames / You and I will escape to the seaside
7. It's what I want /that's easy /It's getting it / That's complicated
8. I want to have the same last dream again / The one where I wake up and im alive / Just as the / four walls closed me within / My eyes are opened up with pure sunlight
9. She acts like summer and walks like rain / Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
10. Keep your head above the water / but don't forget to breathe.

Not expecting anyone to be guessing these but sometimes I need a reminder of how much I love the music that I have accumulated over the years.

dreams, or "i have a feeling there's something wrong with me"

2010-06-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

What exactly is the point of waking up to find that you have just been dreaming about a subject you swore you would not think of again? How do you move on with life if your subconsciousness continually reminds you of what you are missing out on, even if that something is absolutely out of your reach? Why do we insist on revisiting that which should be left alone?

An inherent desire to cause ourselves suffering?

Is it really the thrill of the chase if the chase has long ended?

All my mind needed was a simple, offhand reminder, and I feel like my morning has taken me back in time to when the wounds were fresh. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. Back to playing Copeland on repeat, and staring at the wall.

a post about nothing

2010-06-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

As I start writing this post, I acknowledge that I have no purpose behind writing it other than the act of producing words and tying them into sentences. There is no hidden meaning, and I am in no mood in particular to be ranting on about anything of substance. This post exists for the sake of existing, with no sub-plots or witticisms.

Typing for the hell of it-- it's quite a concept. For once, I have nothing on my mind, and there is almost a peaceful calm inside my head.

Almost.

Perhaps I am simply exhausted of running in circles within my own head, but the feeling is not unlike taking a breather and sitting the next few plays out. Let someone else do all the work, while I take a well-earned rest. How I earned it, I have not the faintest idea, but a break from the action appears warranted.

Just a moment of nothing. A chance to just leave it all alone-- to stop and take a look around and appreciate the scenery. Apparently there is quite a bit there to appreciate.

Who knew?

"predictable" sums it up

2010-06-23T10:37:00.001-07:00

Having bored myself senseless, I start flipping through my old facebook photos. After a while, I come across a picture that had been commented on by 'the girl' of past lamentation and despair. She has since un-friended me and we have not been in touch for months, with a feeling of aggrieved rejection lingering in the back of my mind.

Rather than leave the picture alone, I decide to run a little test. I have had no contact with her as of recently, and there has been no attempt to meet for coffee ever since attempt #5 ended with a last second plan change on her part. At that point, I stopped replying to her messages. Today, I needed to see if she was still trying to feign interest.

I leave a comment on the picture after hers, completely unrelated to anything she had said. The beauty of facebook is that it sends a notification about subsequent comments to anyone that had ever left a note on a picture.

I tip the first domino, the rest come tumbling down:

She gets notice in her inbox.
Five minutes later, I receive a friend request.

Cue Copeland's "You Have My Attention".
Come back to senses.
Switch to "Cute Without the 'E'".

That's better.

a post.

2010-06-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

They say, “be careful what you wish for,” but screw them. “Careful” never got them anywhere. Life is about taking the risks that you shouldn't, so that you can find that which you deserve. Just as one's destiny isn't sitting, waiting for him or her around the corner, even trivial effects-- those which truly matter and make life worth living-- will not come around to sit on your shoulder just because you think of them and believe you're due your turn. Dreams do come true, but only for those who choose to pursue them, all caution aside. Any financial guru can tell you that a high risk comes with the possibility of the highest reward. What, then, is the point of settling for anything less?

Take your chances, and be rewarded. If you fail, the principle of living in a world of forgiveness and second chances has your back. If you fail so badly that you want to just give up, you clearly missed the point.

To fail is to live. To achieve is to love every moment and be loved by those who matter. To try at a second chance is to acknowledge that you need to truly live to find love.

Nothing second-rate. Nothing you never wanted. Just “now” and a world of “wishes”. Don't be careful, because even if it pays off, you will know there is something better.

once again, the picture says it all

2010-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

bar tricks

2010-06-04T15:52:00.001-07:00

Another epic success, having walked up to the bar with a girl I had just met. She tells me that she knows the bartender. I decide to play the no-nonsense card.

Girl: so what are you drinking?
Me: I'll decide once I find out what the cheapest drink here is.
Girl: oh... well you can ask.
Me: you better find out for me.

The girl asks the bartender and finds out that PBR is the cheapest money can buy.

Me: what are you drinking?
Girl: [to the bartender, who is paying attention] a greyhound. [to me] Have you ever had one-- they're amazing.
Me: of course I have. [to the bartender] I will have that too.

Bartender goes over to make the drinks. Girl has shown her cards-- she has not reached for a means of payment.

Me: you know I'm not paying for your drink right?
Girl: oh... yeah, of course. [reaches for her purse]
Me: you should probably get mine too.
Girl: ok!
Me: [grinning and high fiving myself mentally on a mission accomplished.]

this sums it up

2010-06-03T13:56:00.001-07:00

buying flowers...

2010-05-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

Having purchased a small bouquet of flowers for my good friend whose father had just passed away, I walk out of Albertson's. My exit happens to line up with that of an attractive 40-something woman in a fuzzy looking sweatsuit. She is very tan and looks like a housewife might look in a well-off suburb. Coincidentally, I am in West Linn and note that she probably is. I give her a nod as we both walk out the door. She initiates conversation as she eyes my bouquet:

Woman: So... what'd you do?
Me: Um... death in the family.
Woman: oh my god I'm so sorry!!
Me: No worries. It's not my family.
Woman: Oh good! Here I am giving you a hard time, thinking you'd done something bad...
Me: I didn't say I haven't. But that's a different story.

I walk away toward my car as she starts toward hers. She turns back and smirks. I keep walking with a big grin on my face.

Sometimes I love the suburbs.

bored... again

2010-05-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

In an effort to try and energize my evening, I ended up finding some new music to listen to. Some is good, some isn't, but Mumford & Sons is a definite highlight of the batch... too bad I just missed them in concert a few weeks ago. The new Foals album is so-so from a first listen, which is unfortunate considering my enthusiasm for its release. Can't win them all I suppose.

Tonight consisted of staring at music blogs and watching part of The Pick of Destiny-- this helped to quell the dullness. I didn't work out today to try and avoid further leg injury... I fear those 5-6 minute miles at the end of my runs might begin to take their toll. Tomorrow morning I'm throwing caution to the wind and hitting up the gym extreme-like. If the endorphins don't get me out of this stupor I don't know what will.

Yadda yadda.

Nothing is happening over here. I've been back from SLC for all of a week and I'm starting to get bored out of my mind.

Tomorrow's a new day to head out on a quest for laughs and adventure. Life's too short to sit and wait.

The 28th floor of my office building and a flash drive exchange are on my mind. If you know what I'm going on about, this is a call to arms.

on boredom, falling, and a lack of sleep

2010-05-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

Having initially, falsely, thought that I was near another moment of self-destruction, I came to my senses. Call it a revelation. I do not lack a desire to enjoy the life I lead. Nor do I want to turn this train to a set of different tracks. That isn't the problem. Instead, I feel like I have been walking on the wrong side of the aforementioned tracks.

Funny what being on the road for three weeks can do. Apparently you learn more about living and what you truly need by sitting in a hotel room by yourself, unable to sleep. My job had given me nothing new to think about, and the fact that my heart wouldn't slow down long enough to catch a sleep break was by no means due to any real life antics. I know you, the reader, might be amazed by this, but this scenario owed nothing to the thrills (particularly the lack thereof) that only Salt Lake City can provide.

The last few weeks have taught me several things. A late night talk with one of my most trusted friends taught me that no one is ever sure about exactly what they want in life. Waking up the next morning, feeling exhausted from walking around downtown post a night of random bar hopping (including a round at a divy biker bar on the east side), I came to a realization: if I can't be sure about what I want, I'm sure as hell going to enjoy every day. I was literally bored out of my mind, and I was sick of it.

I took the next day by the balls. I handed my fate into the hands of another person as I plummeted to the ground from 13000 feet in the air. I drove around suburban Portland at breakneck speeds. I went out and I truly lived. And, dammit, it felt good.

Lack of sleep or not, I think I am finally waking up.

turn around bright eyes

2010-05-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

Having resolved the sleeping issue by exercising to the point of total exhaustion and eating myself into a food coma, I feel energized to get something important accomplished. Unfortunately, I have run fresh out of ideas, and the smartest things that come to mind range on a wide spectrum, starting at "dimwitted" and going as far as "unfortunate".

Considering my state of mind, and the appearance of pursuits that belong smack dab in the middle of the aforementioned spectrum, I feel a storm brewing.

The computer battery is about to give up. As should I, before I write something along the lines of a Dashboard song. Goodnight.

:P

Something about the road and intentions...

2010-05-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

Try as I may, there are things in life that are and will forever be inevitable. I would compile a full list but I have neither the time nor the desire to bore this blog's two readers. As you are one of them, "you're welcome."

The phenomenon I allude to is the fact that there are patterns I seem to fall into on a persistent basis. Call it a self-destruct button with both an auto timer and a trip sensor, with both having been triggered this weekend. Perhaps the time had simply come for me to enter the next chapter of doubt and disillusionment. Maybe I simply can't depart from my house farther than than 200 miles without my mind starting to wander.

No matter which has occurred, be it both of the above or other recent developments, I am here, writing in this blog, because I have not been able to fall sleep as I usually do for the last two nights, which have coincided with my arrival to Salt Lake City. Instead of dozing off within minutes, I must wait hours before my consciousness begins to slip away. My thoughts are in a race that seemingly has no end- just an inevitable intermission that eclipses my night as if to get just the right amount of rest to begin the next day with a hint of melancholy.

Maybe my life just wouldn't be complete without a dash of wanting that which I cannot have. Perhaps I am simply too eager to lay what I have down on the table and roll the dice, just so that I can say that I tried.

Then again, I may just have to have that one bit of uncertainty in my life. That one spark that makes every moment worth living, if only to find out what the next entails.

And maybe I just have a chronic case of ADD for the things that matter most.

This was supposed to be another post about girls and music. Then again, in some way, every one of these posts is. Inevitable.

Life without my girlfriend, or "what the hell do I do now?"

2009-06-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

As I type this, my significant other is off on a Contiki tour of Europe and, last I spoke with her, she was winding down after an evening spent at the world's largest beer (bier) garden in Munich, Germany. Naturally, I miss her in all senses of the word, but I'm getting antsy.

What to do, what to do... I've spent most of the day trying to conjure up an answer. Seems I arrived at several conclusions as to my schedule as the day went on:

1. Sit around, search digg.com for interesting news stories.
2. Drink day-old coffee quickly.
3. Proceed to study for the CPA exam intently thanks to a caffeine-induced interest in success.
4. Explore music blogs. Reaffirm that La Roux is awesome.
5. Eat.
6. Watch random David Duchovny movie called "The Secret", which was apparently published abroad. Appreciate it for what it was: semi-decent.
7. Fix fixed gear, go on 17 mile ride, forgetting that Portland is all hills. Almost die trying.
8. Sit around, search digg.com for interesting news stories.

In other words, I've managed to bore myself by hanging out with only myself. I'm still partied out from celebrating graduation continuously for the past two weeks and am trying to get in better shape for the GF when she comes back. Alone time is good, but it's better if your best friend is right there with you by your side.

She comes home in about two weeks and I can't wait. Meanwhile, I'll just keep reading Pride & Prejudice & Zombies.

P.S. David Sedaris on audiobook is the best thing to happen to bike rides since padded gloves. Love his stuff. Listening to "Me Talk Pretty One Day" currently, switching to "When You Are Engulfed In Flames" as soon as I'm done.

CPA Review, Day 1: No Music?!

2009-06-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

Having spent about 4 hours on the first section (of nine) of the first of four tests required to become a Certified Public Accountant, my brain is beginning to bounce around from place to place. Perhaps the hardest thing about buckling down and studying is the fact that I can't have music playing in the background-- all the lectures require the man with the New York accent, who mentions Puff Daddy in passing between pages, to go over the key points of every page of my god-knows-how-many-pages-long Financial Review textbook.

This means no Vampire Weekend, no Discovery, no Animal Collective, no Moby, no Presets, no ANYTHING. I haven't studied for anything without an upbeat tune making its way through my eardrums since I first bought a CD player in 7th grade. This feels unnatural and wrong.

I can't even have Copeland...

Music: Blessing or Downfall?

2009-06-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

I will start this post off by saying that I don't know if anyone else experiences their music the way I do. I have always had a soundtrack to my life-- I remember specific points in my past by cross-referencing what I was listening to at the time. If I was listening to Ozma and Weezer's Pinkerton, I was getting over my first girlfriend. If I was listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, I was hanging out with the girl in my second post's boyfriend many summers ago. If I was listening to Copeland, I was desperately in love with that same girl, who would break my heart more than I ever thought possible.

So tonight, I sat down and remembered listening to Copeland, and put on their last two albums on iTunes. The emotions came flooding back. I really have no idea how to quantify the level of infatuation and devastation that began to envelope me once again, despite this occurring over 6 months ago.

I kept telling myself: you are past that point in your life. You have a girlfriend that you love, who loves you in turn. This past was a dark place.

And yet here I am reminiscing. At least now I know that if anyone's out to get me, it's really me.

Glau: A Dream.

2009-06-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had my first dream about the most beautiful woman on television. The one, the only: Summer Glau. And what a dream it was, leaving me confused about what was going on and where I was when I woke up...

Before I continue, I should say that despite my own earnest best effort and will for the dream to take a sexy turn, it never did. Apparently dream "me" acknowledges the whole "I'm in a relationship" thing as much as I do, and I have yet to write out a laminated list of celebrities and have it be approved by my significant other. What is this "laminated list," you might ask? Educate yourself here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Laminated%20List

The dream:
There I was, graduated from college, and apparently decided to live in some sort of high-class apartment building on the University of Oregon campus. My roommates consisted of my best friends from high school, and were, apparently, set on causing as much trouble as possible. First, we pranked a friend's car with random newspaper clippings, only to then have the friend call the police on us. This was the beginning.

Our debauchery did not end there. We decided to follow up with a prank phone call, claiming to be collections from a pornographic magazine, much to the dismay of the girl on the other end of the line. Halfway through the conversation, a man picked up the phone, asking our number, at which point we hung up, laughing hysterically. Unfortunately, we apparently forgot to block our phone number, so we received a call from Deloitte & Touche-- the company where I am set to start work in September, saying that I had breached my contract by bothering the Portland office's managing partner with a prank call. I was to report to the nearest office for discipline.

When I got there, I was given a memo, which directed me to a park, where I was to meet a woman from corporate. I arrived at the park, which was full of people engaging in some sort of large-scale celebration, and was approached by the woman: Miss Summer Glau, who was lovely as ever, but wearing a funny sort of hipster beanie.

From then, the topic of conversation changed several times, an somehow we ended up preparing for a sleepover. Upon initiating preparations for such an event, and remembering that I have a girlfriend, I considred backing out but decided that nothing would happen and that this would simply be an opportunity to hang out with my biggest celebrity crush. We went to get dinner and things ended up proceeding in a "lets

Well this predicament came with a spin: apparently she knew that I had harbored this crush and was seeking me out-- not as a member of Deloitte, but by her own means. However, finding out that I am not single led to her disappearing, which, in turn, led to me chasing after her down seemingly endless stairs, at which point I was awoken briefly. Despite panic about the situation and confusion about Deloitte and whether I have a job, I drifted back into the dream but realized that I must have dreamed the prank calling and consequences. At this point, I just kept running, trying to find her, and only catching glimpses here and there, as she disappeared.

At this point, I woke up, feeling all sorts of confused about what had just happened and unsure if any of that was real. I was relieved to still have a job, but I'm guessing I'll never actually get to meet Miss Glau.

Ah, life. I'm so glad to have dreams almost nightly to help take out some of the monotony.

Dreaming in the morning...

2009-06-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

I keep having the weirdest dreams and not remembering them halfway through the day... Hate it when that happens. From here on out, I will be posting my dreams on here, mostly for my own amusement.

On a separate note, I've found myself frowning on bicyclists who ride around with gears, especially when they put those gears to use in going 5 mph along a bike lane. Seems like those gears were put on for efficiency, no? Then what is the point of spinning your pedals at an incredible rate, whilst your bike teeters on the brink of tipping over entirely? I don't get people... As for me, I'll stick to passing cars in 25 mph zones on my fixed gear.

One day and five hours left until my last final examination ever-- couldn't be more fitting that the class is Advanced Accounting, and that the exam is cumulative. Nothing like trying to recall 3 months worth of lecture, when I had spent the lectures dozing off and/or daydreaming. Time to print off those notes!

Final Finals: The End of An Era

2009-06-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

As a graduating senior here at the University of Oregon, it's become a bit difficult to focus on the things that will get me the heck out of here... Four days until I am done with college forever, and yet, instead of buckling down and studying for my comprehensive accounting final, I've spent the last three days and nights pursuing what can only be described as extracurriculars. The train of thought follows:

1. Finish my final Chinese Essay?
Nope: Facebook and follow E3 on IGN for 4 hours. Follow up with 9-10 Total Domination IPAs a la keg 2 miles from my house. Go to 80's night, drink strongest gin and tonic of my life, make bad decisions.

2. Work on Business Administration take-home final?
Nope: play Call of Duty 4 campaign mode for 3 hours. Follow up with 10 PBR Lights, speak Russian for three hours to a girl who is engaged to a Russian guy living in France.

3. Begin re-learning how to make closing entries for my Accounting Final?
Nope: go on a 30 mile bike ride, break bike chain, go to local bike shop, hang out, bike out to barbecue, drink 8 more PBR Lights.

4. Taking a day off? Don't mind if I do!

5. Laundry! And my carpet could use vacuuming... looks like it's cleaning day. Break open the gin and vermouth.

6. Debate whether to pick up that accounting book. Pick up fifth of whisky instead.

7. Review the Temporal Method? Decide against it, look at online music blogs, make mix tapes for God knows who.

8. Study? Only if that Star Trek viewing party falls through!

9. Actually study. I'll believe it when it happens.

Graduation in t minus 5 days. Time to celebrate.

Mind Games... Don't Mind if I Do

2009-01-22T00:24:00.001-08:00

A simple yet effective way of reminding your past romantic pursuit that you exist:

Action: Send a seemingly errant and nonsensical text message to said individual. Keep it simple-- no more than a couple words will do.

Example: "Park."

Result: receive confused text message in return. Reply by saying you accidentally sent it to the wrong number. If the confused message asks whether you were referring to something in your past, simply be ambiguous and use a phrase such as "maybe someday", or "you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Three days later: she posts a comment on myspace.

Six days later: a text message exchange takes place.

Her: "I know it probably doesnt matter to you anymore but I miss you. Quite a bit."

Me: "And why wouldn't I care?"

Her: "I dunno I just thought you wouldn't.We kinda just stopped talking. I don't like it one bit!"

Me: "Hmm yeah there's probably a reason for that."

He shoots, he scores.

I then proceeded to enjoy a warm day at the beach, cursing into the wind as it swept away the tears.

Today, they were tears of victory.

Because You Know Better

2009-01-04T02:41:00.000-08:00

Some things are easier than others. No things are easier than bar skanks.

Night after night, I'll go out and observe the spectacle that is the guy in his early 20s making his move from his precarious position on a barstool towards the girl sitting next to him, who decided on wearing a shiny and revealing gold v-neck dress to an olde-style pub.

The outfit should say enough. Anyone with any college drinking experience will tell you that this is the equivalent of a girl walking the streets at night, scoping out the best corners. Instead, in return for a good time, all she requests is that she does not wake up sober.

At first glance it is the perfect scenario for a college guy: a casual hookup with no repercussions. On second thought, any guy with a brain will realize that this is a vapid pursuit, with the only bright side being mild to severe depression. If it doesn't hit immediately, give it a few months (edit: in case of douchebaggery, allow a decade of equally pointless endeavors).

For a good time and a potential case for an antibiotics prescription, call 503-866-XXXX.

Signs That Your Ex Isn't Thrilled With You: #1

2008-12-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

Upon making plans to meet, and you having not brought up your current romantic pursuit within the scope of the last 72 hours, she tells you:

"I'm only coming over for a bit, since you'll probably want to go off and hang out with H_____."

Great.

The Friend Zone.

2008-12-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Do these sound familiar?

"You're such a nice guy."

"You're my best friend."

"Why aren't more guys like you?"

If they do, welcome to the friend zone.

Has she told you everything there is to know about her ex boyfriend and why they broke up? She is spilling the beans to make sure you don't make the same mistakes with her, right?

Wrong.

First of all, no woman will tell you exactly what she wants in a relationship and actually mean it. Even if she does, 1.) you shouldn't be pursuing this know-it-all, unless you are looking forward to total subversion to her giant ego, and 2.) she has no idea what she actually wants.

People do not learn from their past. If she was attracted to some ass who spent his free time running around town punching police officers and inventing new sex moves with drunken sorority girls, she will look for that guy, part 2. Unless you're into trying out new hobbies that involve handcuffs and sexually transmitted diseases, you're out of luck.

If she has given you the ex lowdown, or told you how great you are without any sign of return on your time investment, you're out of luck. You may have made yourself too available. You may have listened to her talk about her day and the contents of her Nordstrom bag one too many times. You may have been too insightful, or spoken too highly of her.

Hello time commitment. Goodbye physical payoff. You're dating... but you're not. Meanwhile, she's getting with some guy named Chad.

The Art of Building Intrigue: Shut. Your. Mouth.

2008-12-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

When an attractive woman has asked me a question, I have always assumed genuine interest.

This assumption is as far from the truth as possible-- the last thing she wants to do is listen to you ramble about God knows what. Honestly, who cares what you just did 3 hours ago? Chances are, you're not that interesting, and telling her exactly why can not possibly contribute to your best interests.

The solution? Say as little as possible. Be stoic. Give nothing away that could turn her away. The results?

1.) maintain an air of mystery

2.) let her do what she loves to do: talk about herself.

If she asks you how you're doing, a simple "fine" will suffice. Insert witty comment if you're confident you can pull it off. Next, simply do like girls do: ask her the question back and keep asking follow-ups until her verbal train leaves the station. At that point, just relax and phase in and out of consciousness (or actually pay attention: your choice). Congratulations, you're a great listener.

The only issue here is that you may get tied into a conversation about something you care nothing about. Shoes, for example-- avoid shoes at all costs. There is a fine line between good listener and the friend zone, from which you have little hope of escaping (addressed in a future post). Once you have incited a dialogue about pumps, you've certainly taken a wrong turn. Learn as much as you can about her past, her good friends, and her family, but avoid pointless, shallow banter.

The goal is to figure out what she is thinking and how she regards the world around her, while maintaing a wall-like presence. The questions should always be, "what does this tell me about her?", and if any red flags come up, "should I run for the hills?"

If you find yourself cornered and have to talk about yourself, keep it simple, interesting, and keep her involved in your story. In fact, take any opportunity you have to stop talking and let her tell you of a similar experience she may have had. Unless you lead a life of endless philantropy or have recently toured the continent with your alternative rock band, she will not only lose interest, but you will also miss out on a chance to learn what she is thinking.

When she is doing the talking, you are giving nothing away about yourself and can only stand to learn what is going through her mind. But start talking, and she has this luxury.

Unless you have told her exactly what you have been doing all day, she may, in fact, assume that you have been dishing out soup to the homeless for four or five hours. You might be a nice guy, but you might also have four motorcycles and enjoy riding off into the desert at 2 in the morning when you're feeling sleepless.

Boring or not, just keep your mouth shut and you don't have to be.

Prologue

2008-12-22T21:14:00.000-08:00

"Be offhand or do your hand."

To all you hopeless romantics: heed my brilliant slogan.

Having continually defined and redefined the word "desperate", the termination of my last pursuit came at me like a dormant volcano blowing its top all over an unexpecting group of half-naked villagers. Fortunately, there was only one casualty, and it was yours truly, who would face a slightly intoxicated and somewhat tearful 3 AM drive home from downtown Portland, shouting obscenities over John Mayer's smooth vocals and groovy guitar work.

But how did I get here?

Perhaps it was the culmination of drunken phone calls and text messages, spread over the period of several months. Perhaps it was the page-long emails, confessing my deepest feelings and desires, sent at 2 in the morning on work nights. Perhaps it had something to do with me telling her, directly, that I would put my joie de vivre on hold for her for the next 10 months, when we would finally reside in the same city. Or perhaps it was telling her that I had thought of nothing but her in the last month of my previous relationship. Whatever it was that led to my predicament, I was completely oblivious. Clearly, I had done everything a woman could possibly desire.

Be that as it may, she decided to let online networking sites to let me know that she had decided to move to California in the upcoming year. Questioning into the matter led only to denial. Further questioning, in person, led to reluctant confirmation. I was not deterred.

Apparently in lieu of previous interactions of the "you're everything I've wanted" type, she began changing her facebook statuses to everything from "the fights, they don't stop. It might be time to sign off" (despite only smooth sailing between us as far as I was concerned, meaning her ex was out of the picture) to "it's love, it's love, it's love" (resulting in the biggest of Fonzie looks on my part).

As far as I could see, this was going to be the greatest romance in romance history since [insert male and female names from famous chick flick here]. I even memorized Bennie and the Jets in preparation of the getting a whole bar singing a song everyone loves with a special lady kind of nights that evidently loomed around the corner that is the end of this school year.

And then: "girl (love) boys with guitars"

Fuuuck.

First thought: her ex is in a band. A pretty damn good band. He plays guitar.

Second thought: I own a guitar as well... perhaps she knew.

Third thought: I took her out for a damn nice dinner on our first date. I bought her flowers.

Fourth thought: there's no way she's going back to that asshole.

Fifth thought: she probably didn't know...

And finally...

Sixth thought: @%!$^&#*

I saw her one more time after this, which is how I came to the previously described predicament. Having pledged not to let her get to me and have her come meet me with a large group of my friends, we decided on a pub in Alberta. I decided on one theme for the night: utter indifference. A summary follows:

First hour: success. She seemed intrigued at my offhand interactions with friends and ability to have a good time without discussion of my deep and undying desire for her.

Second hour: having tried to kiss her more than once and been met with a lowering of the head and a barrage of excuses, indifference had somehow fled.

Third hour: "I'm tired... can you get a ride home with your friend? Oh he's just left? Well you better run to catch up to him!"

Cue John Mayer.

Having made every mistake in the book of courtship, I bring you the definitive "don't do as I did or am currently doing" guide to God knows that I end up getting myself into as the wheel of time spins its gangly spokes.

Update: she is spending winter break with her former ex, having rekindled what I can only describe as a sewage treatment facility meets hellfire sort of flame. All bitterness aside, I hope they both get the clap.