Thursday, January 22, 2009

Mind Games... Don't Mind if I Do


A simple yet effective way of reminding your past romantic pursuit that you exist:

Action: Send a seemingly errant and nonsensical text message to said individual. Keep it simple-- no more than a couple words will do. 

Example: "Park."

Result: receive confused text message in return. Reply by saying you accidentally sent it to the wrong number. If the confused message asks whether you were referring to something in your past, simply be ambiguous and use a phrase such as "maybe someday", or "you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Three days later: she posts a comment on myspace.

Six days later: a text message exchange takes place. 

Her: "I know it probably doesnt matter to you anymore but I miss you. Quite a bit."
Me:  "And why wouldn't I care?"
Her: "I dunno I just thought you wouldn't.We kinda just stopped talking. I don't like it one bit!"
Me:  "Hmm yeah there's probably a reason for that."

He shoots, he scores. 

I then proceeded to enjoy a warm day at the beach, cursing into the wind as it swept away the tears.

Today, they were tears of victory.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Because You Know Better


Some things are easier than others. No things are easier than bar skanks. 

Night after night, I'll go out and observe the spectacle that is the guy in his early 20s making his move from his precarious position on a barstool towards the girl sitting next to him, who decided on wearing a shiny and revealing gold v-neck dress to an olde-style pub. 

The outfit should say enough. Anyone with any college drinking experience will tell you that this is the equivalent of a girl walking the streets at night, scoping out the best corners. Instead, in return for a good time, all she requests is that she does not wake up sober. 

At first glance it is the perfect scenario for a college guy: a casual hookup with no repercussions. On second thought, any guy with a brain will realize that this is a vapid pursuit, with the only bright side being mild to severe depression. If it doesn't hit immediately, give it a few months (edit: in case of douchebaggery, allow a decade of equally pointless endeavors). 

For a good time and a potential case for an antibiotics prescription, call 503-866-XXXX.